


I miss you... Too much

by casualsheithster



Category: aphmau - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Garrance - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Lost Love, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 05:12:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18910246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualsheithster/pseuds/casualsheithster
Summary: Garroth's tried to get over him. Countless times. It's like a drug. But he's always failed. Always relapsed. He's tired of all the fake advances and fake smiles he always gets. He knows Laurance was the only person who was real with him. Then why did he leave Garroth here to die?





	I miss you... Too much

**Author's Note:**

> Please!! Please do NOT read this if you are currently suicidal! It's heavily inspired by my own thoughts I had years ago so they're pretty heavy. Please take my advice! I don't want anyone taking their life.

Garroth’s POV: 

“Haha! Whatever you say Alina.” I chuckle at the dancing toddler who was currently running circles around me. She giggles as her sister plays with sticks nearby. I’ve been stuck with being the ‘babysitter’ for these two for almost a year now. Some might have forgotten I’m even a guard at this point. Now I’m almost always just arriving to take the girls out to play, knowing Aphmau would ask me to do so anyway. Though I have experience with kids now, I’m tired of being just a ‘babysitter’ while she claims that she’s looking for him. I’ve stopped asking people about Laurance. Why? Because he’s been practically forgotten. Ask anyone. The only Laurance they know, is the Lawrence who’s the baker down the street.

“Gawwoth! Hehe! Chase me!!” Alina calls. I shake my head. I smirk.   
“How about we,” I pause before I take her up in my arms and swing her around. “Make you a flying little girl!” I say playfully, getting her to shriek and squeal. I put her down after a few moments. I almost laugh at how dizzy she became. Then I feel a small fist knock against my armor plate. I look over and find Lilith. I smile. 

“Garroth...Can you swing me too?” She asks. I smile and nod.   
“Of course I can.” I say and swing her around in a circle, getting her to laugh loudly. 

“Well, you three seem to be having fun.” I hear a familiar voice say. I turn around and my eyes meet amber ones, staring at me intently. I give her a fake smile.   
“We sure are! Aren’t we girls?” I ask. Lilith and Alina nod quickly, trying to get me to play again. Aphmau laughs.   
“They sure love you.” She concludes. My breath hitches silently.   
“Yeah.” I deadpan and keep my eyes on Alina and Lilith. You see, I think Aphmau’s trying to move on from Aaron. With me. And the problem? I don’t feel the same way anymore. I see her as a friend. To be frank… I’ve found something else out about myself. It was only admiration I felt for her. I… I’m gay. And my proof is in the Nether currently, ripping my heart strings to pieces everytime I think of him or news of the rebellion’s progress in the Nether is reported, which is almost never.   
“Hey Garroth?” She starts. She walks up behind me and touches my shoulder. My instincts flare.   
“Yes, m’lord?” I ask. She takes a step back.   
“Do you think...we could have some time alone soon? I’d like to spend time with you…” She suggested. I sigh.   
“I don’t think so m’lord. I’m very busy between my work and personal issues. I’m sorry to disappoint.” I snap the last bit. She looks at me strangely sad and hurt.   
“I...I can give you a break from work, if that's what’s keeping you-” She starts. I’ve about had enough.   
“No...Like i said before...I have personal issues that are taking up my time. And before you ask, no, you cannot help with them whatsoever…” I answer, adding an edge to my words. She gasps before she nods.   
“I understand...I uh...If there is anything that i can do… please let me know...I’ll still give you that break...You deserve it. I’ll have Zoey watch the girls.” she says. I sigh, then I nod. She sighs and calls Lilith and Alina to her side. “Come on girls,” she calls. 

“But I want to pway wif Garroth!!” Alina calls. I sigh and I start walking toward the house bestowed upon me ‘graciously’ by Aphmau. I open the door as soon as I make it to the property line. I immediately drop my armor onto my armor stand. I sigh as the uncomfortable weightless feeling of being stripped of my armor and making myself vulnerable washes over me. I wander the empty halls of my house, the lonely sound of my feet creaking against the wooden floors easing my mind about how easily someone could enter my house. After removing my armor and placing the metal armor plates in my large armor area that Aphmau insisted she have put in, I stop and think for a moment, remembering the past that was contained in each sword, each armor piece, and every shield. But...This room...it also...contains something I added after they left; a case with Laurance’s old Shadow Knight armor. Why do I keep something with so much weight to my past memories in my house? It’s my way of remembering his struggle, his fight against the fate that was forced upon him. 

I look up at the red armor, trying to comprehend the struggle that he must have gone through, the pain it put him through… 

I feel tears build up in my eyes, blurring my vision and making me blink them away. It’s been a known truth to me that I admire Laurance. But...it’s only recently, it revealed itself as...a more romantic admiration than just a brotherly bond. 

 

It’s just...the sass he used day to day...the shine of his baby blue eyes that...were a result of losing sight. A great sacrifice just to get back to the woman you love. But one of these days...though I never wish his previous state upon him again...I wish he’d do the same for...for me. To get back to me. I miss him so much my heart hurts when I think of him. And it’s only getting worse. 

I turn around, forcing myself to look away before I get caught in my labyrinth of a mind full of memories I cherish too much. I walk out sadly, as I always do when I enter this room. I sigh deeply. It just feels like there’s a ghost that haunts me. A ghost of his former presence, always beside me, haunting me, reminding me of his grin, his flowing fawn colored hair he almost refused to ever get cut, the way he always had something to make me laugh... Oh why must he haunt my mind and infiltrate my memories? 

I sigh to myself, letting my body guide me to my study, where my journal lays, frequently used daily. I find myself sitting down in the chair, resting my head in my hands, sighing deeply in sorrow. 

You don’t have to deal with this you know, the advances, the babysitting, the agony… You could just… give up… 

I consider it for a moment. Maybe it would be easier to just give up...

I shake my head violently. No. I can’t think like that. What would Laurance think? 

He wouldn’t consider it… he hasn’t even tried to contact you… 

True...But… Then who would Mommy have left? Vylad left again… Zane… is Zane… I’m the only one who still visits and spends time with her. It wouldn’t be right… 

But what would be right about living a life… that you can’t even bear to live? 

There the voice in my head has me. I have no response that could effectively push back. It’s right. 

I collapse into a heap of sobs, holding my aching sides. My breathing gets shaky as the sobs rack through my body. I can’t take it. Does he even still care for me? Or is my existence as unimportant as people treat his here?! 

Suddenly I stop, my breath still shaky. I look down at my journal. I remember the entry I made yesterday, when I had remembered the song Laurance had sung for me… when I had been losing faith in myself. 

You’re alone   
You’re on your own   
So what   
Have you gone blind?   
Have you forgotten what you have?  
And what is yours?

Glass Half Empty  
Glass Half Full   
Well either way  
You won’t be going thirsty  
Count your blessings  
Not your flaws

You’ve got it all  
You lost your mind in the sound   
There’s so much more   
You can reclaim your crown

You’re in control   
Rid of the monsters inside your head   
Put all your faults to bed  
You can be King Again. 

 

Just thinking about it now… Just strengthens my resolve to do this. My blessings? I only have one. And even that becomes a burden. My faults though? Millions. There are millions of those. Would anyone even miss me? Ask why I did it? Probably not. 

At that moment I made up my mind. I’m not going to live in a world that I can’t even be happy in. So I picked up my pen with a newfound sense of happiness that I hadn’t had in years. It was finally going to be over. I began to write in the journal, for whoever actually searched my house for clues. And as soon as I finished I laid the pen down and got up slowly, making sure the page was open on my desk. 

I wandered back into the dreaded room I kept Laurance’s armor in and clasped his old sword in my hand. And I then walked out of the house, focused solely on accomplishing my goal. 

If I was going to die, I’d rather it be by Laurance’s sword than mine...  
Because it’s the one thing I actually want to take with me to the afterlife. 

Aphmau’s POV: 

I don’t understand Garroth’s behaviors recently. I thought he loved me. Well, at least he did before. Do I treat him well enough? Is it me? I gave him one of the biggest houses here in the Phoenix Capital! Granted he didn’t even want it… Oh my Irene… What kind of friend am I to try and force myself on him with physical gifts?!

I stopped reading my book immediately. I placed it on the table beside me. The girls were already asleep and I just couldn’t sleep. Something in my head just wouldn’t let me. 

Why did Garroth act so defensively? Am I really that terrible? Yeah, I am… But what did he mean by mental issues? He’s never mentioned any mental issues before… I should really check on him… 

So I stood up onto my feet and I turned out the light, walking out the main doors of my house. I really hope Garroth’s okay… I really do care about him… 

~~~ 

As soon as Lucinda lets me across the portal I make a right turn. I put Garroth right next to the portal, just in case he might want to go visit anyone. But he rarely ever leaves his house other than to come and babysit the girls. I don’t even have to ask. Of course I pay him but, I fully intended on trying to get him back on his post just protecting the Capital. 

Now that I think about it… He seemed miserable every time I saw him without him acknowledging I’m there. 

I frown as I knock loudly at Garroth’s door. “Garroth? Garroth it’s me… I’m sorry for all the advances… Is everything okay?” I ask. No answer. I wait a moment before I knock again. “Garroth? Please answer me. I’m worried about you and I-” I start before the door opens inward on its own after I accidentally pushed in on it. I raise an eyebrow in confusion. “Garroth? Are you.. Are you here?” I ask. All I hear is the creaking of the wooden floors in response. A sense of worry enters my chest. Maybe he’s just in his study! He did mention he like to write… I consider, the feeling of worry becoming heavier as I reach the study. I knock gently but receive no answer. I push open the door and find….nothing. I sigh heavily in worry, about to turn away when something catches my eye. His journal’s open. I look around for a moment, as if Garroth were to jump out at me for barging into his personal stuff. Then i step forward and I take the journal into my hands, reading the page’s contents. 

To Whomever may find this letter, I assume I’m already gone. To those who question why I did what I did, it’s simple. It’s because I have nothing to live for. Laurance is gone. He’s never even asked how I am or how I’ve been. No one even knows he exists besides the people who knew him. I ask constantly for updates on his rebellion in the Nether. But all I’ve ever received in return is a scowl. And rarely do I ever actually get an update. All I even had was my mother, and even she would be fine without me. I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing that makes me happy. I did before, when Laurance was here. By now you should know that I was in silent agony, wishing and praying for my best friend to come home. But he never did. 

And If Laurance himself is reading this, then fuck you. You could’ve saved me ten times over but you never even cared. At least that’s what it seemed from the amount of letters you sent me. How many you ask? None. Zero. All I ever heard from you was what I made up in my dreams. And even then those were lies. And something you can finally know, now that I’m gone; I loved you. I loved you so much it hurt. My dreams were filled with lies, but lies that felt so good to think you might have actually said to me if you ever felt the same. You comforted me when I needed someone. You were there for me when I just needed a hug or even a funny comment. But when you left, all those thoughts that pierced my pride came back. You were my shield. And you abandoned me. But now that doesn’t matter. If there was one thing… one thing I wanted you to know even if you never read this letter, is that I loved you. And I don’t want you to think it was your fault I died. It wasn’t. So don’t go following me because of my actions. This was my decision. Just know that… I love you. And I hope you can remember the good things… and live your life without giving me much thought. Goodbye World, You really fucked up with me didn’t you? 

I almost fall to my knees. He’s going to kill himself. No. He can’t. How can he leave so much behind? What made him think death was better than life? I have to stop him. But how? I’m not as close with him as Laurance was. Laurance...that's it. 

I rip the page from the journal and I bolt back outside and race towards the Nether Portal. Please Laurance….You have to believe me… please… 

~~~ 

As soon as I’m through the portal I race down the pathway I made years ago. In mere minutes I’ve reached the bridge that connected me to Laurance and his rebellion’s base. In a blind panic I run up to the door and pound on it rapidly. 

“Laurance!! Laurance We need your help!!” I shout, pounding harder. Almost a minute later the door opens with a flood of warm air sent towards me. 

“Aphmau?! What are you doing here?! What has it been? Years-” He starts. I stop him with my own voice. 

“Laurance we have no time for catching up! I need your help!” I say urgently. He sighs and holds his hand to his head. 

“Aphmau… you’ve done this before. No i’m not coming back because of a fake problem-” He starts. I fume with anger and slap him across the face. 

“It’s not fake you idiot! It’s Garroth!” I shout at him, showing him the journal. Laurance’s eyes widened at the mention of his best friend. He grips the journal with his eyes widened in fear for his best friend. He began to read, and his eyes began to water as they trailed down the page. He looks at me quickly once he finishes. 

“We need to find him. Now. I’m not losing him.” He says. I sigh with relief and help get him back out of the portal. 

Please...please...whatever has control over fate… please let us not be too late… 

Garroth’s POV 

It took some time convincing Lucinda to let me through, considering I’m carrying a weapon, and it’s the middle of the night, but I managed. My chest feels lighter, and I feel happier with each step I take. It’ll all be over soon.   
Unfortunately though, I manage to walk straight into Dante’s nightly patrol, gaining unwanted attention from the bluenette. 

“Oi! Garroth! Hey, how are ya?” He asks, placing a hand on his waist. I sigh and place a fake smile on my face.   
“I’m doing fine. I’m just uh...visiting Ungrth’s grave, I figured Laurance’s old friend would appreciate this gift… since Laurance obviously isn’t using it.” I say shakily. Dante nods. 

“I get it. Well, have a good night you hear? And… take care. I know Laurance’s absence hasn’t really had the greatest effect on you these past few years. Just… keep your head up alright?” He asks. I nod fakely. 

“Yeah… I will. You too.” I say and I begin my trek again to the forest. Dante can’t stop me now. Not even a small nod of encouragement could help right now. I’m determined now. I’m going to meet my maker. 

~~~ 

Finally I find a good spot in the forest, not too deep where no one would find me. Just the one place Laurance and I were the only ones who knew where it was. It held meaning to me, and maybe at one point it held meaning to him. It’s a nice place to die. 

I undo my armor one piece at a time. First my breastplate, that goes clattering to the floor. Then my chainmail, which in turn takes off any armor pieces that were attached. And then my gloves. And then finally I took off my belt, feeling all of the metal fall off my body. The lack of weight no longer feels heavy. I feel lifted even more than before. Like I’ve already left. 

Finally, It’s time, I think to myself, the emerald sword glimmering in the moonlight. I clutch it tightly and I raise it above my head. It’ll all be over soon. Just don’t think about it. And then I start moving the sword. It seems like seconds were hours. Until I finally felt a small bit of pain. 

Then suddenly, I hear a shout, and I’m thrust onto the ground. 

I cough, sputtering loudly. I frown in the absence of the weightless feeling. No… no no no this wasn’t supposed to happen! I try scrambling back to the sword that was supposed to deliver my salvation. However something is holding me down. I growl and look up at what was forcing me to stay down. The weight was a person. With baby blue eyes and long fawn-brown hair. His gaze was filled with hurt, glaring down at me. 

“L-Laurance?!” I ask, slightly out of breath. 

“Yeah dumbass. What in the Nether do you think you were doing?! Why on earth would you try and take away from this world the only sunshine it had?” He asks. I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“W-w-what do you mean? I’m not taking away anything but myself.” I argue. Laurance grips my wrists tightly to keep me from reaching his old sword. 

“That's the point Garroth! You’re the only person that keeps me sane. The only sunshine that this world still has. Everything else is evil and corrupted. You’re the only single aspect of this world that keeps me from letting Shad destroy it.” He exclaims, crying close to sobbing above me. I stare at him in disbelief, gaining a stomach full of anger. 

“Then why in the nether did you ignore me?! I never received any letter from you! I was alone! I had no one I trusted! I tried to contact you, sent you letters, I even tried to get approval to visit you! But you never accepted them! I got every letter back!” I yell in his face. His eyes were filled with hurt now, draining them of tears.   
“Because… Because I know you deserve someone better Garroth! Someone who won’t turn their back on you because of a stupid calling! Someone who...who can love you like you wanted...” He admits, loosening his grip on my wrists. 

“Laurance…” I whisper, looking him in his beautiful baby blue eyes that were filled with sorrow. 

“Just please...please don’t leave me… I’ll be perfectly fine without having you near me… I just need to know you're happy. It was stupid to leave… I know that now. But please...just stay… Don’t leave me…” He whimpers, his voice cracking in the last sentence he spoke. My heart was aching with more sorrow than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t weighted. It just felt like a heavy ache. Like one you’d have from a broken heart. 

“Laurance… I-I didn’t know you felt like that…B-but I-” I start again, my resolve to die reemerging. He sobs harder, leaning into my shoulder and pulling my body close. 

“I love you! You dumbass! Don’t leave me here alone!” He exclaims, gripping me tighter. 

Almost as soon as he says those words, my world falls apart. He Loves Me. 

“And don’t you think for a damn second I’m going to let you lay here and kill yourself when I could have done something to stop it!!” He growls. He pulls back from his hug and grips my cheeks, looking me in the eyes. “You mean too damn much for me to let you go again!” He exclaims before engulfing my lips in a soft kiss. A kiss that said a thousand words, with more than a thousand reasons behind it. I began to cry more, feeling the tears fall down my already wet cheeks. I was crying before… during it all. I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him deeper. This has been all I’ve wanted for so long… the part of me that doubted him washed away in mere moments. His tears wet my cheek along with my own. His kiss grew in affection, cupping my face in his hands. 

Though through it all, that feeling of doubt of him staying grew larger, taking control of my chest. I pull away sadly, leaning my forehead against his. “Y...you’re going to leave again… I know it…” I whimper, gripping his hair. He sighs, answering my question.   
“Please… don’t leave… not again…” I beg, laying my head in the crook of his neck and hugging his torso. He sighs deeply, kissing my neck softly. 

“I promise. I won’t leave… not ever again…” he says and pulls my face to look at his. I smile softly at him, gaining a smirk in return. 

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, Laurance lifts me into his arms bridal style, putting his old emerald sword in a sheath on his side. “Laurance!!” I chuckle. He laughs in response. 

“What? I gotta save the prince in distress now don’t I?” He suggests with a lifted eyebrow. Though he’s being silly, I can still see the sadness and relief in his eyes. And the love that overwhelms it all.


End file.
